sleep

I awoke tired... and ended up taking a nap in the afternoon. I push myself too long, maybe too hard. Just recently have I realized that I have another option. I can go to sleep before I'm ready to drop. What a concept!

anger

I saw by the thin line of his lips, and the sadness in his eyes, the way he looked away... he's been hurt. I could detect a few causes in our conversation, but I'm sure there is something deeper. I want to help. I don't know how. At the same time, I know I have to be patient, wait, be content with my part, one little puzzle piece in the whole. But his hurt comes out as anger, and so he gets hurt again.

conversation

The new "buzz word", but for the fact that people don't know how old it is, is "conversation". I was reading a book published in 1981 - that's nearly 30 years ago - talking about "conversation". Well, what's new under the sun?

learing to write

There is a method to this, and I don't think I've got it. But I'll work at it. I know a girl who knows how to write, although she doesn't think so. Whenever I read what she writes, I feel like I'm right in the middle of what she's experiencing. I love to read like that.

music ipod

A girl on campus walks around with her ipod and earphones. I've been wondering what she listens to. Today she worked with me during campus clean up and I suggested that we needed some good music to listen to. She told me her mom recently bought her an alarm clock. She got it out and put her ipod in it. I enjoyed her music.

waiting

I'm waiting... I thought a letter would arrive today. I thought I would hear the results of my counseling exam. Sheldon complimented me today, saying how effective I was after my counseling program, compared to before. Of course something so close to my heart made my eyes teary.

a good day

I was worried that I might not accomplish enough today, seeing that it was campus clean up day. It turned out to be a very productive day, in many ways. One student had an MRI on an injured shoulder. Another was able to confide in us his bad experience as an intern last year. A couple of gratis issues were resolved. One student left the campus. Sheldon received a thank you note and a gift from the pres. & and vice pres. for his work with conferences in the summer, and I mailed a letter to my mom.

unusual

As I am writing I am becoming aware of little things, little things I never write about. Like the fact that I have a glass jar of sunflower seeds on my desk.

hat

Last week I bought a hat. It's the kind of hat people wear inside these days. I don't wear hats, but I've always wanted to. And I have worn hats to shield myself from the sun, but not as a fashion statement. I asked myself, why not. Then I told myself I am no longer in my home town where people would perhaps mock. Well, there were a few people in my childhood who were like that. I wondered if that was why I did not wear a hat. None of those people are here, so I'm going to try it.

roses

On my desk are six dried roses, in a six inch high, ribbed, rectangular vase. They have dark red edges. I like them. When I look at them I get a pleasant sensation. Maybe because they are in contrast to the books and papers on my desk. They are just there, beautiful, not invading my space, not requiring anything, just doing something for me when I look at them.

introspection

Why am I doing this? Why? I think I have to get used to just spitting things out. There is a term, hyper vigilance. I think I am guilty of it. I get this queasy feeling thinking that stuff that's personal is out there. Maybe I'm wasting my time. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm foolish. I don't have a real purpose, an intention that involves growth or accomplishment. If it doesn't take away from growth or accomplishment, maybe I should be OK with that. I hate losing things, and I hate wasting my time. Everything should have a purpose, and this doesn't.

women in ministry

I wondered why it happened. Someone had a seizure in a meeting where a young woman I know was scheduled to speak. The plan was disrupted. She did not get the opportunity to share. I wonder why. A woman was invited in response to someone's message that they were boycotting the retreat because women speakers were not part of it. So why did this have to happen.

hermeneutics

It was the course that would break the camel's back, or so it looked. But I was signed up for it. In the middle of my first class I became convinced that it was not right for me. I looked for an alternative, like taking the second year course. Then someone suggested Exegesis. The fit was right. It was amazing... designed for me, for such a time as this.

faith

Faith... what a loaded subject. It sounds so big, so powerful. But most of the time it is just a hesitant step out into the dark. I think of being a child, going to the out-house at night. You just put one foot in front of the other, because it had to be done, and then, it was.

confirmation

I have so much to do, it will take a miracle. So, I am expecting a miracle. For two weeks I was seeking confirmation that I was indeed to go through with my plan. Someone I respect said it was "suicide." I received the confirmation a few days ago. Already I've had grace to endure my first intensive weekend.

in the air force

There's a girl I've kept in touch with who is now going into the air force. Maybe this is the best for her. What a difficult time for someone in their mid-twenties when they have to find their way in life. I saw her yesterday. Sometimes God carves a place for a person in one's heart.

regards

Someone was delighted to be remembered when I passed on regards today. It was a pleasure to see.

ready for campus clean up

This year I was given specific responsibility for clean up in and around the dorms. I am now organized and ready. After two years I finally know what to expect, but it's so much better when I am specifically asked to do it, a day in advance, at least.

RA

"Yes, I feel like a real RA!" My RA exclaimed as she met me in the cafeteria. I had left a situation up to her to handle, and although she had expressed doubts as to what she would do, the end result was encouraging. It went well. I could have robbed her of the opportunity by intervening myself.

geese flying west

Why are the geese flying west? I saw about eight flocks of them as we waited for an hour and a half at the border crossing last night. All of them were flying west.

caterpillar

Yesterday as we were leaving the restaurant at noon, someone spotted a brown and black caterpillar. What was she doing this time of year? I thought caterpillars appeared in the spring.

forum

Should I maintain a forum for a support group I am a part of? I think I am too busy. I closed it after Christmas, but now they want me to open it. I closed it due to lack of participation. I don't know...

losing things

Because I so much hate to lose things, I seldom do. Well, I'm not sure that's the reason, but I am happy that I seldom lose things. However, the other day I finally broke down and bought a make-up brush, since I had not seen mine after we returned several weeks ago from a weekend away. That evening I spied my make-up brush, in the drawer, not far from my toothpaste. I was happy because the new one didn't match my set. I returned it, along with a shower cap.

shower caps

At the drugstore you can buy a shower cap for 4.97. You can buy a plastic bag for .04. And at the dollar store you can buy 10 showercaps for 1.25.

tired

I am tired, but a good tired, after accomplishing much. I've gone through an exhausting year of studies, and what I am sad about is that I had to do it so quickly. I am wondering if there is a more effective way, with time to mull over one's learning... I wish! But, we might accomplish too little. On the other hand, we might accomplish more... more seeds taking root and sprouting because they are tended to.

one more

I am taking a heavy course load. Yes, fifty and in college. I need a diversion. A mindless, or at least not intensely academic outlet. I hope to keep my focus. So I give myself permission to be a little frivolous, to spend just a little on a personal pursuit. Like sketching... you don't want anyone to see it because it's so poor. But you enjoy it, so you do it.

today

Today, as I was walking down a hallway, I saw a butterfly. Maybe it was a moth, it was so beautiful, as it fluttered up in front of me. A small pleasure and a delightful one. It was so light and easy as it ascended and lingered and dipped and rose.

tomorrow

When tomorrow comes... sadly, I'll admit, I get so self conscious, sometimes I delete entire blog sites. I've done it several times. And that was when I was writing for others, or at least having in mind that others might read it. But I told myself I would write without expectation that someone would or might read it. So, Reminder to Self: write as though no one, or possibly only one person in ten years will read this. Do yourself a favor and let yourself be yourself, without reflecting, thinking about the perception of others. Just be.

hiding

Oh, I have been hiding. I know one of the reasons I think no one will read this blog, is because if I write what I want to write I prefer to do it in private and remain anonymous. When we're public we have to be different. Put on a different face. I bought some make-up today. Why do women wear make-up? To conceal something or to enhance something. When I go to bed at night I have no make-up. This blog is kind of like writing in my pajamas. I don't have company when I'm in pajamas.

feelings

What kind of feelings do I have? I see a picture of the hand of man reaching to touch the finger of God. For me it's all about that touch. Even just the tip of his finger. It floods my heart with incomprehensible joy.

ground

The other day I had a picture of myself. I've heard of people being "broken" like a clay pot. I'm not broken, I'm ground. And I'm quite happy about it. I like it. Like sand, or finer. It's all of an even consistency now, no more bigger pieces, no jagged edges. It's a just a thin layer beneath, on the floor. It flows between the fingers. Can it be remade, I've wondered? I don't know. I'm alright with being this ground product at the lowest level.

tired

After fifty years, a person can be tired... but I want to renew my youth like the eagle. That is a story, almost impossible to believe, but if it's true, then like the eagle. In a quiet place, up on a mountain, alone, waiting, getting rid of the old, waiting for the new. I'm ready for that.

dancing

Sometimes... I don't think anyone knows this... sometimes I dance. I dance in my imagination. But it's not like other dancing, because I don't have a partner, and I've never thought I needed one, because this kind of dancing is just so enjoyable alone. I whirl and twirl and I don't have to touch the ground. I scoop and I curve and I leap. Sometimes I spin, like a top and I go up, like a tornado, and I don't get dizzy, because it's just imagination.

why question

If someone would ever read this I can imagine they would have two questions. One, they would question the fact that I was writing for myself and not others. The other how can it be possible that I would choose a public blog site if I'm just writing for myself. I happen to like the format, I just answered my own question.

shopping

I don't go shopping for the enjoyment of others, after all. Why should I write for the enjoyment of others... I mean all the time. Why not carve a little space where it doesn't matter if no one ever comes, my own secret garden. And if someone comes, I'm sure they'll be careful not to disturb anything.

Soul

If I wanted people to find this I would have to put "labels" on the post. I think that's the thing to do. But that is really not the object. The object is to find a little rest and enjoyment for my soul. I can have a lot of fun with other people, but I can have a lot of fun by myself too. I just haven't taken the time to tap into this resource lately. I didn't fully know it was there. I mean, the option of just starting a random blog, purely and simply for a bit of self expression and fun.

living

A lot of living happens in fifty years. A lot of living. I have a photo I took of a man playing violin on a park bench. The other day I took a picture of two girls playing violin, sitting on the ground outside a college. It's time I take more time for music in my life. Music in the park, music on the lawn, music anywhere.

because

Because this is for me I don't have to write as though I want it published. I have put way too much pressure on myself in the past. It's time to learn a new way. I may meet a wanderer, someone who accidentally finds me here, and I'll take that chance... but I'm not going to think about that right now. It's time to just take a little time out for myself, on my brown leather recliner, rest awhile, put my feet up.

simplicity

For me simplicity is lying on my bed and feeling a breeze blow through the open window, like a caress on my face. I just lie there, waiting. And I think God is thinking of me. Maybe wanting to reassure me that he's there, in the gentle breeze. I just like to think about that awhile. And I think, I didn't do anything to deserve that, and it requires nothing of me. That's simplicity, just the moment, feeling aware.

complexities

You know, I have a habit of saying, you know. Just like some people say, like all the time. Well, and there I go. I have a habit of saying well. Ok, oh no! I can't seem to get away from those "starters". But I'll try. What I started out saying, with "you know" was, I have this sense that simplicity and complexity sometimes get mixed up. I mean, these days there are magazines and books devoted to telling people how to simplify their lives. That's getting pretty complex, and it can get confusing too.

stories

People like to tell their stories. I like to listen to stories. I like stories. I like reading stories. But somehow I think there is a shortage of people who are really listening to real life stories. I'm going to make a point of it.

personality

Today I did one of those personality tests. I came out exactly two opposite things, and no I am not schizophrenic, but I have to laugh because my husband said one was definitely not me and what was the use of these tests anyway, and then the other one he said was perfectly me. ha ha!

fun

My, I'm having too much fun. I think there's an extra-terrestrial being out there who is reading this. I am not alone....... Well, I mean God. And that's fine. This is not my first blog, but it's the first one that I'm just doing my way. Before I kept thinking I had to get it just right, so, well you know, so people would like it. This is just for fun, kind of like splashing in a puddle, doing it because it's there there, no other reason.

another day

I'm pretending, that I'm having all these mini-days. A new thought, a new day. You know, for impatient people, who can't wait for the next soap opera, have them all in one twenty-four hour period, all twenty-four episodes. But I never watch soap operas for these very reasons. I prefer my own reality.

drenched

This morning I walked outside and the air was drenched with the scent of rain and cedar and a hint of ocean. I can't imagine heaven having anything more intoxicating to offer. I was literally drinking it in, to my soul.

hmm-mm

I'm trying to decide if I like this perfume. I've basically quit wearing perfume, but sometimes you get these free samples. The other time I went shopping I got some free ankle socks with my purchase. I finally figured out that I can wear them when I put lotion on my feet at night. But I never put lotion on my feet...

and...

So, I'm tired, and strangely happy. When you're fifty and female, you can chart a new course, and I like it. Right now I wish I had a nice soft cat purring next to me here on my brown leather sofa.

probably

I'm not very consistent, but, knowing there's absolutely no pressure at all, I might just take this opportunity to put a few things down. I don't even know why I'm doing this, just because I feel like it

random

This is random. I like random. But even random things probably aren't really random. I like that I can post a dozen little notes in a day and then if I want I can go away for however long and come back and write again. Random accounts, randomly written. It's like sitting in my brown leather recliner...nobody asks when or why or analyzes how. Sometimes I'm there, sometimes I'm not.

resting

Nobody is going to read this, let's start there. With how many millions of blogs, etc. out there, I think I'm pretty safe. This is just a spot for me to kick back, put my feet up, and think some thoughts.